worse than total agony of being in love - 5

 

The story continues to Part-5 after Part4 Part3 Part2 and Part1 

The slumber was broken with the sudden realization of teary eyes and a hint of smile.. Tears were the confusions of what was bitter, remembering of the lovely unforgettable lost past of the pain or the present setback… The smile had the show-off of the dimple.. The dimple which was once touched by his passionate care.. Likeness.. Love.. The smile was the reflection of joy that it had felt with the touch..

The touch.. The passionate touch.. The passionate first touch.. The first touch.. The first..

I was seeing those thrashed lips in front of me right now..

With broken heart, tired limbs and swollen eyes, I tried to look back at Priya who was still puzzled.. May be she was shouting for long.. I didn’t hear.. May be there was something urgent.. I didn’t notice.. May be I had to say something.. I didn’t reply.. May be she was clueless once again.. I did get puzzled too..

“What are you doing Di? I am here form last 10 mins now. Have been shouting and you are in your own world of deepening carelessness.. Are you sane or it’s once again that you losing your mind?”

What is she saying? I was right that she was shouting for long.. May be I was also right.. means I can still think, but why she doesn’t notice that I can think.. I am sane enough..

Or why she doesn’t notice what i am thinking at present.

“Oh! Is it?”

“Where have you lost Di? Kopal is also back.. She had come to you to ask for food but you didn’t pay attention to her too.. Are you ok?”

“I could faintly recall now.. Where is she now?”

“She is changing.. But where were you engrossed?”

‘Engroseed’.. Yes.. I was engrossed.. In the touch.. In the memory.. In the past.. With the One.. And in the present.. For the thought of that he would be leaving soon.. leaving for unknown.. complete unknown.. from where he won’t ever return back..

Two drops of tears.. and a lost dimple.. a pain of separation.. a lifelong.. beyond life.. killing of sensations.. reincarnation.. and two more tears..

“Can’t you see the news!”

“Ah.. Prasoon.. Oh My God!”

“Di.. Di.. are you alright? Di.. Kopal.. Call the doctor.. right now..”

worse than total agony of being in love - 4

 

The story continues to Part 4 after Part3 Part2 and Part1 

Life was going fine.. I was growing.. growing to become choosy, cynical, sentimental and demanding for my own space.. The day was very weird when I first saw the signs of physical maturity.. I could never realized the pain that mummi always suffered till I had the same in my belly.. I felt like vomiting, crunching my own stomach and then when I told mummi, the lines on her forehead with an exclamation and question mark .. ”oh! really??”.. and sudden reaction of something that had happened.. it took me a week to get out of the pain.. It had frightened me .. worried my parents… and Priya, my younger sister, was clueless of the realization of it.. the first time feeling that I had shared with them.. being a girl.. next 2-3 days were a self-questioning on myself.. looking through the corners of eyes.. not getting hold of my own physical self.. and then a feeling of self-pity.. uselessness and what-next-look.. I felt I was being noticed by everyone every time.. “I have done nothing.. it happened.. not my fault.. please say this to me.. its not my fault..” was the innocent scream and all days ended with my painful face on the shoulder of mummi.. Mummi who was there when I really needed her..

I wanted to tear my clothes.. come out of this unwarranted not demanded feeling of exhaustion.. It did end.. but it didn’t end inside me.. when mummi said that it would come again, I was disheartened.. didn’t want to bear it again.. I cried.. cried a lot.. but, had to accept the basic fact..

After a few days, there were other signs of development.. the development of shape of a woman.. may be I did want these signs.. kind of waited for it… I really felt ecstatic to get the woman beauty.. it was good and great enough to tell Priya.. “ look, I am now a grown-up.. you are still a kid.”

And that day for the first time I recalled Prasoon with passion.. I could see him standing on his roof.. stretching his arms.. wishing to fly.. I recalled, imagined and wished him to be there right then.. I opened my arms too and let the breeze fill my body with the abundance of freshness.. let it touch what it had never touched.. It was never there.. the new body.. the body of the woman.. the flow of transformation.. the culmination of waiting.. the start of new beginning.. the new woman in the surroundings wanted to be seen.. the way she was seeing herself..inside.. deep down inside..

“yes! I am the new woman around!!.. I wanted to declare..

I started feeling what Prasson would have felt.. the extension of myself.. stretching muscles.. new shapes.. the adventure.. new life.. new talks.. getting more on to me.. more of my life… my own space.. my own world.. living in my dreams.. I wanted to explore.. I wanted to explode.. fill my world with my things.. peculiarly chosen.. nicely put.. gently cared.. I felt the entire world looking at me and admiring the new me.. and when I opened my eyes.. It was all twinkling.. it looked like the entire world was celebrating.. for a moment, I felt like an angel.. the centre of celebration.. the only attractive attention of the day.. the only woman in the world.. the only passionate woman..

“Pankhuri.. Pankhuri.. where are you lost… “ Priya said.. It brought me back from the fairyland to my home, my couch and the news on the TV.

worse than total agony of being in love - 3

 

The Story continues to Part 3 after Part1 and Part2

The doorbell rang… It was a pleasant morning and the morning breeze came up with the loveliest surprise… my half eye was closed and then I jumped with my both eyes wide open now… Prasoon was standing there.. with a plate in his hand.. a handkerchief covering the something which he had in the plate… An average height guy.. not a kid.. not a man… but a gift to me… the sweetest good morning gift…

He was slightly shy… a bit happy and more in hurry to leave the plate… did he feel my excitement! Did he know how surprising this gift was for me! Did he know I could die to live in that moment of getting his breath closest to my hair! Did he really get to understand my infinite living moments in those a few seconds…

Does he still know it all?

He was here… yes; he was in front of my vision… I was his vision… and in those seconds I let out all my jealously to pour in all others with the jealousy of my possession of the momentary gift…

He smiled a bit and gave a signal to call some elder person in the home. I didn’t move…

He said, “Hello.. How are you?”

“I am fine…”

“Can you call your papa or someone…”

“Ok… wait a while… errr… what should I say to them… who is at the door? Leave it… mummmmaaaaaaa… see, someone is here…” I did want to start a conversation, but I couldn’t… Being a kid again… I wished I was smarter… I wished I could show my purpose.

I don’t know whether there was some secret jinn or something who stopped me or just that I wanted to stay there… From his side, there was no glue… there was no charm... there was no holding... there was no possession... there was no connection as of now... the space between two of us was filled with air which was not carrying any word now… still the last words he had said were giving the presence of a musical composition… may be I just wanted to listen him for long now… May be I would soon…

The wish was completed… but, I was so lost that I couldn’t thank God for it… I wish I should have, the first day itself…

Mummi came, at the same instant asked me to leave… I couldn’t know whether I was stuck at this hands or to the plate... I kept gazing as I was going from there... Mummi also returned in two mins; without saying anything she transferred the sweets and put new ones in the same plate and went back to him…

Now I know it’s a ritual to not to let the person go empty handed…

I never want him to go empty handed from me… I never want him to go from me…

I asked Mummi, “why was he here? Just to give sweets; what happened?”

“His brother has got admission in the best college of India… He was very happy.. It was all to share the biggest joy to the bigger family… To all of us… We feel blessed.. “

I picked a sweet and went away... I saw him again..

Those innocent eyes… That smile… The purpose and him… The Inseparables…

I opened my books and started doing my homework… after 10 mins, I got stuck again: “what did mummi say? Best college!!! What is the best college? Why is he going there? Is he going to study something about; I don’t know what… May be papa would satisfy my answers… Do they study like me over there… Does Prasoon study like me? Does he study? Does he also add-subtract-multiply-mug up like us?”

I was swaying swooping in imagination of his open books, pen in his mouth thinking over something, the box-the Tiffin, and the innocent eyes… the smile and the purpose… everything on the books.. Everything for the best of the books…

worse than total agony of being in love - 2

 

The Story continues to Part 2 after Part1

Prasoon was standing there… neither close to my presence, nor far from my vision… I felt the real pain when I was not even his vision… my heart felt jealousy to all those who were in his attention… May be this was the day when I first wanted my presence to obstruct his attention to anyone else. I wanted me to be in his complete territory… to surround him with my arms… to involve him with my words… to let me know what’s there in him that makes me melt… that makes me feel awe… that makes me feel lost of my own belongingness of self.

He was ending his teenage life and I was about to begin this journey soon... I was so excited to explore myself; was excited more to know what he has explored in these years of identity crisis. Standing at his rooftop he looked like a flow of maturity. His acceptance on his own self was in the stretching of his arms. He carried himself so beautifully as if he knew the movement of even the toenail of his body. His hands were like giant wings, lifting his weight, ready to pump him up to the glories of successes. He wanted to fly, he wanted to swing in his passions, he wanted to explore the unattained heights and then touch the beauty of the ground… His eyes had twinkling, saying about the dreams which were bigger than his shoulders, deeper than his courage and more adventurous than his own dreams. There was a sense of controlled flight. I wanted to be a part of that.

I first time noticed him, staring at me with those innocent eyes, giving a look of ‘hi…’ I just smiled. I tried to become more girlish… I tried to hide that as well. I was too young to mix the two controversial emotions and giggled at my full flow. He was still staring and smiling. Though I could have said him as my brother that time but it was just destined for the best of both of us that this brotherly feeling never found any place in my heart. Destiny had something else in her mind; though I didn’t know the word ‘destiny’ as well then…

I watched him daily; going somewhere; passing through our lane. He never wandered aimlessly like most of the other teenagers did. He always seemed with a purpose; of doing something. It never bothered me… When I was coming from the school in the afternoon or when I was playing my kid games, I saw him. He always seemed me a person with whom I would be in future; with whom I would be enjoying the coming days. I would talk to him for my kiddish things, girlish games and he would listen me endlessly keeping those two innocent eyes every time on me with the eternal smile..

But I never remembered him after he was not there. I still was a kid…