Wednesday, March 10, 2010

worse than total agony of being in love - 4


The story continues to Part 4 after Part3 Part2 and Part1 

Life was going fine.. I was growing.. growing to become choosy, cynical, sentimental and demanding for my own space.. The day was very weird when I first saw the signs of physical maturity.. I could never realized the pain that mummi always suffered till I had the same in my belly.. I felt like vomiting, crunching my own stomach and then when I told mummi, the lines on her forehead with an exclamation and question mark .. ”oh! really??”.. and sudden reaction of something that had happened.. it took me a week to get out of the pain.. It had frightened me .. worried my parents… and Priya, my younger sister, was clueless of the realization of it.. the first time feeling that I had shared with them.. being a girl.. next 2-3 days were a self-questioning on myself.. looking through the corners of eyes.. not getting hold of my own physical self.. and then a feeling of self-pity.. uselessness and what-next-look.. I felt I was being noticed by everyone every time.. “I have done nothing.. it happened.. not my fault.. please say this to me.. its not my fault..” was the innocent scream and all days ended with my painful face on the shoulder of mummi.. Mummi who was there when I really needed her..

I wanted to tear my clothes.. come out of this unwarranted not demanded feeling of exhaustion.. It did end.. but it didn’t end inside me.. when mummi said that it would come again, I was disheartened.. didn’t want to bear it again.. I cried.. cried a lot.. but, had to accept the basic fact..

After a few days, there were other signs of development.. the development of shape of a woman.. may be I did want these signs.. kind of waited for it… I really felt ecstatic to get the woman beauty.. it was good and great enough to tell Priya.. “ look, I am now a grown-up.. you are still a kid.”

And that day for the first time I recalled Prasoon with passion.. I could see him standing on his roof.. stretching his arms.. wishing to fly.. I recalled, imagined and wished him to be there right then.. I opened my arms too and let the breeze fill my body with the abundance of freshness.. let it touch what it had never touched.. It was never there.. the new body.. the body of the woman.. the flow of transformation.. the culmination of waiting.. the start of new beginning.. the new woman in the surroundings wanted to be seen.. the way she was seeing herself..inside.. deep down inside..

“yes! I am the new woman around!!.. I wanted to declare..

I started feeling what Prasson would have felt.. the extension of myself.. stretching muscles.. new shapes.. the adventure.. new life.. new talks.. getting more on to me.. more of my life… my own space.. my own world.. living in my dreams.. I wanted to explore.. I wanted to explode.. fill my world with my things.. peculiarly chosen.. nicely put.. gently cared.. I felt the entire world looking at me and admiring the new me.. and when I opened my eyes.. It was all twinkling.. it looked like the entire world was celebrating.. for a moment, I felt like an angel.. the centre of celebration.. the only attractive attention of the day.. the only woman in the world.. the only passionate woman..

“Pankhuri.. Pankhuri.. where are you lost… “ Priya said.. It brought me back from the fairyland to my home, my couch and the news on the TV.

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