Wednesday, March 10, 2010

worse than total agony of being in love - 5


The story continues to Part-5 after Part4 Part3 Part2 and Part1 

The slumber was broken with the sudden realization of teary eyes and a hint of smile.. Tears were the confusions of what was bitter, remembering of the lovely unforgettable lost past of the pain or the present setback… The smile had the show-off of the dimple.. The dimple which was once touched by his passionate care.. Likeness.. Love.. The smile was the reflection of joy that it had felt with the touch..

The touch.. The passionate touch.. The passionate first touch.. The first touch.. The first..

I was seeing those thrashed lips in front of me right now..

With broken heart, tired limbs and swollen eyes, I tried to look back at Priya who was still puzzled.. May be she was shouting for long.. I didn’t hear.. May be there was something urgent.. I didn’t notice.. May be I had to say something.. I didn’t reply.. May be she was clueless once again.. I did get puzzled too..

“What are you doing Di? I am here form last 10 mins now. Have been shouting and you are in your own world of deepening carelessness.. Are you sane or it’s once again that you losing your mind?”

What is she saying? I was right that she was shouting for long.. May be I was also right.. means I can still think, but why she doesn’t notice that I can think.. I am sane enough..

Or why she doesn’t notice what i am thinking at present.

“Oh! Is it?”

“Where have you lost Di? Kopal is also back.. She had come to you to ask for food but you didn’t pay attention to her too.. Are you ok?”

“I could faintly recall now.. Where is she now?”

“She is changing.. But where were you engrossed?”

‘Engroseed’.. Yes.. I was engrossed.. In the touch.. In the memory.. In the past.. With the One.. And in the present.. For the thought of that he would be leaving soon.. leaving for unknown.. complete unknown.. from where he won’t ever return back..

Two drops of tears.. and a lost dimple.. a pain of separation.. a lifelong.. beyond life.. killing of sensations.. reincarnation.. and two more tears..

“Can’t you see the news!”

“Ah.. Prasoon.. Oh My God!”

“Di.. Di.. are you alright? Di.. Kopal.. Call the doctor.. right now..”

worse than total agony of being in love - 4


The story continues to Part 4 after Part3 Part2 and Part1 

Life was going fine.. I was growing.. growing to become choosy, cynical, sentimental and demanding for my own space.. The day was very weird when I first saw the signs of physical maturity.. I could never realized the pain that mummi always suffered till I had the same in my belly.. I felt like vomiting, crunching my own stomach and then when I told mummi, the lines on her forehead with an exclamation and question mark .. ”oh! really??”.. and sudden reaction of something that had happened.. it took me a week to get out of the pain.. It had frightened me .. worried my parents… and Priya, my younger sister, was clueless of the realization of it.. the first time feeling that I had shared with them.. being a girl.. next 2-3 days were a self-questioning on myself.. looking through the corners of eyes.. not getting hold of my own physical self.. and then a feeling of self-pity.. uselessness and what-next-look.. I felt I was being noticed by everyone every time.. “I have done nothing.. it happened.. not my fault.. please say this to me.. its not my fault..” was the innocent scream and all days ended with my painful face on the shoulder of mummi.. Mummi who was there when I really needed her..

I wanted to tear my clothes.. come out of this unwarranted not demanded feeling of exhaustion.. It did end.. but it didn’t end inside me.. when mummi said that it would come again, I was disheartened.. didn’t want to bear it again.. I cried.. cried a lot.. but, had to accept the basic fact..

After a few days, there were other signs of development.. the development of shape of a woman.. may be I did want these signs.. kind of waited for it… I really felt ecstatic to get the woman beauty.. it was good and great enough to tell Priya.. “ look, I am now a grown-up.. you are still a kid.”

And that day for the first time I recalled Prasoon with passion.. I could see him standing on his roof.. stretching his arms.. wishing to fly.. I recalled, imagined and wished him to be there right then.. I opened my arms too and let the breeze fill my body with the abundance of freshness.. let it touch what it had never touched.. It was never there.. the new body.. the body of the woman.. the flow of transformation.. the culmination of waiting.. the start of new beginning.. the new woman in the surroundings wanted to be seen.. the way she was seeing herself..inside.. deep down inside..

“yes! I am the new woman around!!.. I wanted to declare..

I started feeling what Prasson would have felt.. the extension of myself.. stretching muscles.. new shapes.. the adventure.. new life.. new talks.. getting more on to me.. more of my life… my own space.. my own world.. living in my dreams.. I wanted to explore.. I wanted to explode.. fill my world with my things.. peculiarly chosen.. nicely put.. gently cared.. I felt the entire world looking at me and admiring the new me.. and when I opened my eyes.. It was all twinkling.. it looked like the entire world was celebrating.. for a moment, I felt like an angel.. the centre of celebration.. the only attractive attention of the day.. the only woman in the world.. the only passionate woman..

“Pankhuri.. Pankhuri.. where are you lost… “ Priya said.. It brought me back from the fairyland to my home, my couch and the news on the TV.