Monday, June 29, 2009

UP wala thumka lagao...



Someone is getting married in your family? Are you going to attend or have you attended a marriage function soon? I can’t say about other places but the places where I have been, (UP, Bombay, Calcutta), marriages do not seem be culminated well without the craziness at Baaraats. Lavish functions, grand arrangements and just before the final steps, some steps to make the waiting as the longest one. The dancing steps of your near-dear-anyone-everyone.

It’s an obsession to look craziest. It’s energy to perform endlessly. It’s a craze to sweat the most. Or, it’s a mockery for another one being staged to lifelong imprisonment. Whatever it is, it’s a fun to watch, if you are not participating and it’s a platform to get lost completely if you are all geared up.

Just before the onset of Baaraat, all the participants spend hours to look the greatest for the occasion. The preparation for those hours starts months back. Make up, dress up, line up and there the band comes. First few minutes, it’s all band and only the band. Everyone is saving their best dresses; they try to complain for the loudness of the band as well. No one joins and it seems that this time the Baaraat would not turn up as ‘Baaraat’. And then someone, it could be anyone, becomes the leader. He takes the initiative with a few latke-jhatke. He or she ends with the shortest performance. Now the invitation is to all. Join boss!!

It starts with one type of step; latka-jhatka and you have to keep repeating the same latka-jhatka. You change your position; bend a bit, result is still the same step. Be straighten up, same step. Turn, swirl, and take rounds, same step. If you see from a distance you can feel as if some serious emergency has happened in the crowd. Everyone is shaking. A few times it gives a feeling of mild earthquake. The glittering of lights, the loudness of drums, the thud of thumping feet, so many hands upraised, a few drops of sweat passing from one person to other person and sudden shrieks of excitement. All this sums up the drama at the road. More drama can be seen up there at the roof tops. Everyone is out to see the procession going. The drama at the road is completely unaware of their scrutiny by the drama queens at the rooftops. Girls are checking handsome boys, the dancing stars. Boys are again passing their stares to whosoever they can find in the crowd. They don’t bother whom to look, they look at every female. The ladies keep their eyes on jewellery, on sarees and most importantly on Mr Dulha. ‘Who is getting married’ is the big question among them, though they don’t bother to get the answer.

After some time the Baraat is divided into two parts automatically. Boys’ gang is the wild one. They are sometimes sensuous, sometimes too fast and sometimes slow thumkas to imitate girls. Girls’ gang seems to be more mature as they try to follow some style of dancing. They try to follow Rajasthani, Marwari, more group efforts, more organized circles but the end is same. Similar thumkas work everywhere. The equation of the two gangs keep changing and a few members keep switching, resulting cohesion and more dancing-talk among them.

For a few songs you might see a few different steps. The favorite Nagin song is the key appetizer for the main dancers of the gangs. One of the guys sit down at the road, takes out his handkerchief placed specially for the song, waves it like a ‘been’ and tries to tame a snake-cum-human-another fellow obsessive Baarat-wala-thumka specialist partner.

Like so many Indian traditions, we have traditions of typical Baarat songs. 'Aaj mere yaad ki shaadi hai': it’s not surely the marriage of everyone's friend, still the most popular song. 'Ye desh hai veer jawanon ka': i don’t have any clue why they play such a patriotic song for such an auspicious super emotionally excited event of one’s lifetime, but tradition is tradition. I wonder what songs they played in Baarats when these songs were not there, who thought to play these songs for the first time and when such songs became a part of traditions across places. Does anyone know?

The last leg of the Baaraat is the most crucial one. The speed of the procession suddenly drops down to zero just before the main entrance. Everyone gather to show off that this is the time we have to do something. We have to break the rules and show them that we are the ones. Now the two gangs of the Baaraat become one and ‘the rivals for the day’ becomes the gang of girls’ side.

Without caring for the traffic jams, the troubles to the people on roads, the Baaraat ends here with all the paths traveled whatsoever short it was. At the end of it the red kurtas become the maroon ones. The darker shades of clothes get some salty irregular shapes of maps of different countries. The combination of deodorant, sweat, panting and bad breathe of some 100 odd people make it a nauseating environment.

Surely, all this is worth it to the ‘Boy turning Man’, ‘Girl turning Lady’ occasion.

But, I feel,

“Baarats and Baarats everywhere,
Not a single one with a difference…”

Monday, June 15, 2009

सफ़र...




Though there are 4 topics still in pipeline, which includes one poetry as well, this one popped out from somewhere. I scribbled and thought to put. Have a look, here it goes..



जीवन की आपाधापी में, सपनों को छवि तो दे देते
क्या करना था, क्या करते हैं, इतना ही तुम बस कह लेते

निकले थे, सफ़र सुहाना था
था अपने साथ ज़माना था
बाधाओं के सुर में हरदम,
लगता हर गीत तराना था

अब आज अभी, इस वेला में, तुम लेखा जोखा कर लेते
क्या करना था, क्या करते हैं, इतना ही तुम बस कह लेते

जाने-अनजाने लोगों का,
जब साथ मिला तो डगर मिली
सोचा तो पहुँचे मंज़िल पर,
जब आँख उठी तो नज़र खुली

कब कहाँ गया, कुछ कहाँ मिला, अपनों से मेला कर लेते
क्या करना था, क्या करते हैं, इतना ही तुम बस कह लेते

जब आये अंत सफ़र तो बस,
आँखों से आँसू ना छलकें
दे जायें जग को ऐसा कुछ,
ढूंढें तुमको हरपल पलकें

वह गया डगर, पग पड़े जिधर, चिन्हों को गहरा कर देते
क्या करना था, क्या करते हैं, इतना ही तुम बस कह लेते

Friday, June 12, 2009

बस यूँ ही ...



Its an old poem written by me.. its my first attempt to publish something in Hindi.. :-)



कभी रात के 'सन्नाटे' में 'गूंजती' 'रोशनी'
तो कभी 'दिन' के 'उजाले' में 'सुनसान' वो 'महफ़िल'
लगता है सब अजीब, पर है सब वही
वही तो है, और सोचें तो है भी सही
मन को लगता है कि रोशनी में शोर है
पानी में स्वर्ग है, और सूरज निकलते ही भोर है
पर क्या ये सही है, नहीं ये भी नहीं
'सही' भी 'सही' नहीं, 'नहीं' भी 'नहीं' नहीं
'नहीं' तभी 'नहीं' है, जब 'सही' सही है
पर बिना 'गलत' के 'सही' का अस्तित्व भी सही 'नहीं' है
'हाँ' के बिना 'नहीं' भी 'नहीं' 'नहीं' है
तो ये सोचना कि कया 'सही' है
और क्या 'सही' 'नहीं' है
उतना ही 'सही' नहीं है जितना कि
सोचना कि 'नहीं' ही 'सही' है

परिभाषायें तो बड़ी हैं, पर क्या
हर परिभाषा का तात्पर्य वही है
जो शब्द की है व्याख्या
या उस शब्द से भी परे है
उस शब्द कि मर्यादा और आख्या
चलिये यूँ ही एक शब्द लेते हैं
और अपने प्रश्नों का समाधान
अभी कर लेते हैं

क्या होता है 'प्यार'
हम सुनते हैं जिसे
रोज़ाना, बार-बार, लगातार
शायद तीन घंटे की फिल्म में
हज़ार से भी ज्यादा बार

'शब्द' की परिभाषा से भी परे
है क्या 'प्यार'
क्या दे सकते हैं परिभाषा
इस छोटे से शब्द की
क्या जानना ही 'प्यार' है
या 'जानने' की इच्छा है ये
या फिर ना जान कर भी सोचना
कि यही है प्यार
या फिर 'जान' कर भी पसंद
कहलाता है सही अर्थों में 'प्यार'

क्या आँखों में देखना है 'प्यार'
या फिर आँखें ही ना देखना
देखना उस क्षितिज के पार
साथ-साथ, लगातार है 'प्यार'
किसी को देखना, छूना
ही नहीं संवेदना का व्यवहार
प्यार नहीं लाचार, इन
इंद्रियों से दबा असहाय, बेकार
'प्यार' तो है इंद्रियों से परे
हाँ, ऊपर बहुत ऊपर
मानव को भगवान का साथ
है प्यार
ईश्वर को अपने बच्चे को
दिया गया उपहार

समझना, जानना, जान कर समझना
जानना समझ-समझ कर
नहीं है 'प्यार' किसी संवेदना में
किसी मानव के आकार में
उसके अंदाज़ में, उसके स्पर्श में
या फिर उसकी महक या आवाज़ में
'प्यार' है खुद में
रहता है वहीं, आता है वहीं से
पर उसे जानना, समझना और
करना है किसी का मोहताज़

एक अवलम्बन है व्यक्ति
लगाने को आसक्ति
पर सच्चाई है, आप स्वयं
आपका वज़ूद, आपका वयं
बस यही है 'प्यार'
पर शब्दों में बांधना
नहीं है 'प्यार'
ये तो एक शुरुआत है
'प्यार' से करने की 'प्यार'।।।

Saturday, June 06, 2009

... I miss!!!


The streets and the paths…
The trees and the flowers…
I miss all those when I am not there…


…when caught on the day one,
Not getting the answers,
I got hold my nerves,
To scribble what I thought…
The board and the chalk…
The class and the bench…
I miss all those when I am not there…


…when to feel the amazement,
In the teachings of the Profs,
I got overwhelmed,
To listen all they talk…
The papers and the marks…
The knowledge and the Profs…
I miss all those when I am not there…


…when meeting the roommates,
My heart did feel ‘awe’,
I ran into excitement,
To enjoy close and far…
The room and the wing…
The hostel and the quad…
I miss all those when I am not there…


…when turned the light on,
And the stage was set,
I couldn’t close my mouth,
To see the beauty of it all…
The shows and the fests…
The SAC and the Audi…
I miss all those when I am not there…


…when asked by THE people,
Where do you see yourself,
I pumped my reply out,
To know the clarity of the future…
The talking and the grooming…
The fun and the work…
I miss all those when I am not there…


…now when I sit my feet crossed,
…my hands on my lap,
…I see everything,
…turning on, turning off,
…the long run to reach,
…the perfect paths to travel,
…every sound of it is silent,
…every bit of it is over,
…the one thing never goes
…&, grows every time,
…yes.. I miss all that,

Yes.. I miss all those…

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Move on!!!



elections' drama.. results unfolded.. some happy faces of 'V' signs.. some sad non-visible-known-high-profile-faces.. later the acceptance of defeat.. winnings.. defeats..

IPL drama.. everyday changing equations.. everyday some big hits.. some silly misses.. the hard-working-risk-taking-mysterious-winning moments..

some riots.. a toofan which has taken my college campus in its attack as well..

some nuclear testing.. some breaking of promises..

some exam results.. some expectations met.. some more set for even higher ones..

some new lives.. some super successes.. some promises of those successes.. some heart breaking pieces and some despairs to not-to-arrange the pieces again.. some courage to fight back with even more spirits..

my life sums up all the melodrama seeing, happening at the centre stage of so many things.. i can't follow everything.. i try to as much.. and in all this i read somewhere which was related to my earlier post as well..

we all go up.. come down.. and then start again.. we say to ourselves or someone says to us.. 'its not the end of life..' we understand it and life moves again.. as we have the understanding or illustration or dream or passion or dilemma or clueless decisions or the most mundane things about our 'life' as such.. and we do things.. the next things in hand.. as we know that this is not 'the end'..

but.. but.. but.. think about people who have some incurable disease like AIDS.. what can you tell them.. they don’t have the next things of their lives.. they can live but they do not know what the living at their present is.. or what the living would be in their future.. or do they have even stamina or strength to live for the next moments as well??.. they have pains of different kind that we cannot even think of.. they have their past.. they have their presents which is declining everyday with lesser moments every time to be called as 'present'.. future is so bleak that they can’t even think of thinking about it..

but that doesn’t sum up the all of it.. think about those kids who have got this disease.. they do not have their hands in it.. they have just got it.. destined to get it.. destined to live it.. they don’t have the phenomenon of life as such.. what they had started with, cannot be termed as life.. their condition started as death only.. some of them must have learned to do the basic needs of their life, in that unknown pain of the disease.. why did they learn all that when there is no future of all those... maybe when he would get the idea to use things for the future by this learning of the present, by then the future won’t be there at all to be liven up.. still things happen for them as well.. the worst thing is the society which do not accept them.. they are not the part of the daily life.. or life of the society... is this the picture we are posing to them.. is it we are telling them.. is it for which we are created..

what’s all this!!!

and the life still moves on???

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Very touchy!!!












... A very naughty kid being emotional is even more touchy.. Love it.. :-)

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

... "Imagination is more important than knowledge!!!"


kids.. so pure.. so innocent.. so selfless.. we grow.. we learn.. become worldy-smart.. and forget the basics that we knew very well when we were kids.. we were not afraid of the results.. we tried.. we learnt to walk.. to speak... we did all sorts of mistakes and became an expert.. we donot know what a child suffers and struggles with at that age of learning.. but we grow and start thinking that all the most difficult problems of the world are growing around us only.. we stop learning..we stop making mistakes..we stop taking challenges..we don't run.. we don't fall.. we don't get up.. we are afraid of the world.. moresoever we are afraid of ourselves of failure.. we don't do.. and then we also expect that we should get the best results of our so-called not-so-efforts..

and in all this we believe that we have grown up and stop ignoring the sweetest, purest, loveliest creature of god own love.. kids.. whenever i meet kids, i am moved.. i never get so much creative replies from a grown up.. we all live in the world of our own meanness and think that this is being "practical" in life.. but a kid is living in many worlds.. one is the world that they are seeing(that we are seeing as well but the same world is more corrupt through our own eyes and by our own deeds) and others are different worlds of their own individual infinitely different imaginations.. may be those imagined world are overlapping also.. an elephant might be looking like a lion in that world.. and when it meets the another dog-looking-elephant of another world, they know each other as elephants only.. may be the fundamentals of relativity wont be that difficult as understanding the meaning of their worlds by us "practical" people of "real" world.. may be einstein have been inspired by those small imaginations to get the theory of relativity.. whenever i think of being smarter, i think of being kid again and start thinking through his brains.. its difficult.. but i do want to run.. i do want to fall in this struggle of understanding their worlds..

there is a dream in me.. i don't know what started this.. may be some kids whom i had seen wandering aimlessly.. or bombay local trains.. very small kids concentrating on coins rather than on their self.. or a few imaginations of the slums and seeing the slum-realities as even worse.. or may be the horrifying pictures of the life of the kids of prostitutes.. or some unwanted kids thrown somewhere by their not-acceptable parents.. ( i donot say that those kids were unacceptable.. as God could accept them in Her world.. then surely God didnt want those parents to be the parents of those kids.. )

i want to adopt a few children.. may be 2.. i would LOVE to look after them as my own kids.. give them whatever they want from me as a father of them.. (or may be as mother would be more appropriate).. give them the life as what it is not.. but what they would like it to be.. i would not like them to be the "practical" in the way the world thinks this term to be.. i would like them to be imaginative.. free.. individual.. and full of mental strength to fight for what they are/want themseleves to be... frankly, i do not want to have my own kids.. i believe that there are so many kids already in the earth to be taken care of, that there is no need to give it more.. (if we can't take care of the present numbers itself)

whenever i talk about these things, people say it to be rubbish.. its been 7-8 years of my such thinking and i still find it very right.. not rubbish at all.. i had talked to profs at IIM as well for such thinking of mine.. someone recently said to me to open an old age home, not to give a home to kids.. i think we have better responsibility for the future.. past has gone to memories.. and those memories are the beauty, happiness of life.. but we also have to think about making more happy future.. that future should be more progressive, productive, lovely and beyond our imagination.. i respect old people, i take care of them.. i would like to make future more memorable for those old people as well.. and thats only possible by giving command to more responsible kids..

i would like to have things working for this dream of mine ... and for that i want the brain of a kid.. hehe.. :P

Monday, April 20, 2009

100 Questions!! :-)

Saw these questions at mukta's blog.. thought to give it a hand.. :-) here it is:

LAST TIMES…
1. Last beverage: Water
2. Last phone call: Mr. A. M. Jain for the correction in his to be printed book
3. Last text message: Airtel services
4. Last song you listened to: Baawra mann dekhna chala ek sapna
5. Last time you cried: yesterday while watching hddcs

HAVE YOU EVER...

6. Dated someone twice: No
7. Been cheated on? : I don’t use this word.. :P
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? Yes
9. Lost someone special? Yes. Nani
10. Been depressed? Yes. Once in a while in a year
11. Been drunk and threw up? I don’t drink.. :P

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Blue
13. Pink
14. Yellow
15. Black

FIRSTS :
16. Made new friends: Everywhere
17. Fallen out of love: It’s a question whether it was love or not..
18. Laughed until you cried: Many Times..
19. Met someone who changed you: A great deal of mine is learning from different people.. there is someone who has changed a lot in me very positively
20. Found out who your true friends were: “true” itself is hard to define.. :P
21. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes... and felt blessed.. hehe

HAVE YOU:

22. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: Yes.. is kissing so taboo to be discussed so many times.. :P
23. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: 99% of them
24. How many kids do you want to have: None if my wife agrees finally.. :-) wish to open an orphanage
25. Do you have any pets: A parrot
26. Do you want to change your name: Nahi... wanted in 1994.. :P
27. What did you do for your last birthday: Contemplated on different years..
28.What time did you wake up today: 6:45 am
29. What were you doing at midnight last night: Had severe headache, stomachache
30. Name something you CANNOT wait for : Reading books.. :-)
31. Last time you saw your father: Just 1 min back..
32. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: A day of my life.. back in 2003..
33. Most visited web page: Blogger Home/Gmail/yahoomail

WHAT'S YOUR :

34. Name: Ashwini
35. Nicknames: ashkd/pappan/ashes/ash/munna
36. Zodiac sign: Virgo. Moon sign is Aquarian.
37. Male or female or transgender : Male
38. Elementary: Shishu Mandir, PDDV
39. Colleges: IIT Kanpur, IIM Calcutta
40. Hair color: Dark Brown
41. Long or short: Short (got cut after 5 months last Sunday.. :P)
42. Height: 5’7”
43. Do you have a crush on someone? Yes !! I would prefer it to go to become Love someday.. :-)
44. Ever been in love? Yes.. many times.. :-)
45. Piercings? No
46. Tattoos? No
47. Righty or lefty: Righty
48. First surgery: Touchwood!! :-)
49. First piercing: No
50. First best friend: Sudeep gupta
51. First sport you loved: and still love - Tennis
52. First pet : The Parrot we have still..
53. First vacation: To Jodhpur when I was less than 5
54. First concert: Must be Spic Macay one in IIT K itself..
55. First crush: in Class 1
56. Eating: Not well.. not in a state to eat anything..
57. Drinking: Eno.. :-)
58. I'm about to: eat dinner
59. Listening to: Papa telling that there is some fire in Kanpur.. its serious.. :-(
60. Waiting for: to get well. :-)

YOUR FUTURE

61. Want kids? No.. already stated before..
62. Want to get married? Of course.. :-)
63. Careers in mind? Freelancing then to HR consulting to manufacturing

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?

64. Lips or eyes: Eyes of course..
65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs
66. Shorter or taller: Doesn’t matter
67. Older or Younger: Older.. my intentions are pretty clear.. :-)
68. Romantic or spontaneous: Mix..more importantly intelligent to know when to give what.. :-)
69. Nice stomach or nice arms: Nice stomach
70. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive
71. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship
72. Trouble maker or hesitant: Hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER :
73. Kissed a stranger: No..
74. Lost glasses/contacts: My eyes are 6/5 as per doctor’s report.. :-)
76. Broken some one's heart: Yes.. I learned after that I could have handled in a better way..
77. Had your own heart broken: Haan..
78. Been arrested: No.. I don’t have license.. so I might.. :P
79. Turned someone down: Yes...
80. Cried when someone died: Yes.. a lot..
81. Liked a friend that is a girl?: You mean "Romantically"? Obviously.. :-)

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

81. Yourself: Yes... more than 100%
82. Miracles: Yes...
83. God: I love Her..
84. Love at first sight: Its farce
85. Heaven: We get what we do here itself in the same birth..
86. Santa Claus: I do as I believe in divine presence.. :-)
87. Kiss on the first date? No..
88. Angels: Perfectly.. :-)
89. Devils: Yes.. to an extent..

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

90. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Yes :-)
91. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? Never..
92. Wanted to kill someone ever? No..
93. Among your blog mates, whom would you like to kiss? Whosoever wants to be kissed.. :-)
94. Committed a blunder and regretted later? In 2003 once.. I still regret. :-(
95. Wanted to steal you friend's boyfriend / girlfriend? :hehe.. No..

ASSOCIATE WITH SOMETHING YOU WEAR :

96. White: Vest
97. Black: Trousers
98. Red: One shirt
99. Pink: One Shirt
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? :-) Yes.. :-)

I tag allll my blogger friends for this one !

Thursday, April 16, 2009

i also want to be a celebrity!! :-)


There is a show at mtv which talks about "the celebrity" of india.. their business, money, spending money, cars, suits, bags and finally the worth of their vampire empire.. sometimes it looks like that these people can have anything in the world..

properties worth Rs. 500 crores.. cars worth Rs. 100 crores.. the scariness of the sentences haunt you later and amaze you at the figures first.. people take decisions based upon some thousands, lakhs.. your mouth won’t open to charge 5 crores for an ad.. an ad which would be of max 100 secs.. may be it would take some 10 hrs time of the celebrity to get it final shot.. or may be even lesser.. so such a person can charge more than 50 lakhs an hour.. costing Rs. 1500 per second.. the new criteria for the BPL is earning less than $2 per day.. and there are more than 70 crores people in india with such a status currently.. these "celebrity" can match this criteria in just 1/15th of a second.. there are some 86400 secs in a day..

this makes me wonder about indian astrology.. they talk about luck, future.. and the planetary positions.. there are some 70 crores people who have similar fates.. and there are some so damn rich celebrity who can guide the world under their toes.. which combination of planets has done this to them?? and i wonder more for their kids.. just because they had that combination of fate, their sons automatically got the similar or even better fate-planet-combinations.. and this propagates over the generations.. so some low probabilistic thing is getting thinner and thinner to be probabilistically valid.. but it does.. same for those BPL people..

Big B gets 115 crores for writing his blog.. i pay for internet and electricity for writing this blog.. am i also not BPL?? hehehe... :P

Friday, March 06, 2009

why dont i write a technical one ever!!


like everyone else of my surroundings.. um.. not surroundings. people whom i know as friends or people whom i have shared those 100 min learning experiences everyday for 2 years.. or 55 min for 4 years.. people are thinking and ending up with some conclusions... some of them have got their hands with someone's hands, as close as touching their hearts with them.. some of them have got their noses in the pockets and thinking of dipping those more into those and still not getting enough.. they should not as well, as its the start of their career... let it proliferate with the biggest of successes of lifetime.. meanwhile a few pictures randomly pop up to me.. and amaze me..

i saw a photocopy shop owner yesterday.. he was a boy, some 15 years back.. riding fast bicycles.. shouting at people.. having those cheer up smiles of getting the young age at his hands.. looking for more and saying to the world that he would shine.. or he rocks/rules.. whatever.. i never noticed him later.. or i did, but never thought at length about him... i tried to draw the missing life of 15 years of his... with extra tempo and no recognition of the core of it, he might have tried many of the things.. or he might not have, even.. he might have done his graduation/post graduation or may be, he might not have done.. but he must have thought about earning money and he might have landed with a sum of money to start a shop.. small enough to get his money repaid for the cost of photocopying machine in the time of what duration,he doesn't know himself.. years passed and since there was no other photocopy shop in that area, he got a sum of money to diversify it to become a small shop for the printouts and the small write ups as well.. then he got another photocopy machine, much sophisticated...now, he works with both .. but.. where he is now and where he was 15 years back, are the two different things..

practically a situation we all end up with.. people have dreams and the guts to talk about their dreams till the time they have the energy and not-so-surrendering-attitude-towards-unknown-correlations-of-life.. they have their friends when they pass out of, so to say, iit.. 3-4 years pass.. more years.. and they had thought to meet again sometime in the future.. that time doesn't come that so soon either.. people take 2 of their decisions of life and get more in returns(read, kids) as well to make their life busy in their social circle of family-family relatives-family friend- office friends.. where are the old people.. they are there.. not on calls..either in the memory... of course the happiest ones.. and in their messages of "whassup?" or "anything new".. when practically none have the time or energy to give proper ears to so many new things happened over those years.. life moves on.. and after sometime we also leave those dreams.. in the decisions of to only those two big decisions of life. that sums up the life.. there are rarest people who go beyond those two decisions.. follow their dreams.. and they only make up to the history...

i still wonder what happens at the age of 70.. do you look back and think about your life.. and then sigh and say, this is the life you wanted..and at the hindsight, you know you have killed so much of yours so many times.. or, may be you love it always.. i feel contented most of the times.. am i old at this age itself?? hehe..

and the life goes on..

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

I say...


i was trying to correlate so many things lately.. read two books of ‘Paulo cohelo’ in a week...’ Brida’ and ‘Eleven minutes’.. recalled others.. a half hearted unsuccessful reading attempt of the biggest booker prize winner,’The midnight's children’.. a few interactions with old friends.. many old stories to cherish...some heartbreaks for a few.. i never want those to happen.. a few altercations with people over their business issues.. some remembrance of fight over things for those who had been close to heart for 5 years now.. then a few interviews today with discussions.. openly with one and closed one with the second one.. a smile on face while returning back of an unknown success of not-so-tangible yet worthy time spent.. and now watching 'Rock on'.. just like adi saying.. Again!! once again.. again of again i guess for the 8th time now.. in a few weeks.. a closeness to ‘Pretty woman’.. a closeness to ‘Notting hill’... a deep likeness for ‘Shall we dance’.. a major attachment for ‘Remember the titans’.. die hard supporter of 'My experiment with the truth'.. love with 'Fountainhead'.. many drops of tears after 'The god of small things'.. 'A thousand splendid suns'.. a line of satisfaction of smile after 'Kite runner'.. a beauty of innocence of 'Anything for you ma'm'.. an appreciation and overwhelmed feeling for a few THE profs of iitk... an admiration for those who taught at iimc... a respect for the places i had been.. i got guidance.. i learned.. i am learning.. a care for the people who influenced and taught me to live.. a respect for parents.. an affection to family.. a love for those who are not known to you.. an unknown love and affection for whom you know.. a sense of writing successfully all this.. as now i know a bit of the meaning of the purity, the sacredness of thoughts, the innocence of knowledge, the logic of emotions.. as i know that the one thing that makes the core of all of it.. its THE HONESTY!! a smile of understanding the efforts with which all this is created.. a pride for why i get to like, love, admire, adore each and everything of it..

'tum ho to hai sab haasil... tum nahi to kya hai yahan..'

'tumko hai mangtiii.. ye zindagiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'........... :-)

A tribute to ‘Rock on’, a salute to ‘Magik’ the band, and a belongingness to Prachi Desai(Sakshi) who inspired me to write this after watching the scenes and songs of it for the 8th times in 4 weeks…..

Monday, January 05, 2009

Heart...


Stung by an unknown bee,

With falling steps randomly;

Tiring, Bleeding, Murmuring to myself…

A drop of blood from my brain to heart;

A hint of sweat from my toe to hairs…

With a trail,

That doesn’t last long, much;

It starts, shatters, walks,

pops, lifts and then dies…

To a path which doesn’t get steps,

With a step which doesn’t make sound;

Sounds of deep slumber…

It doesn’t get heard;

It goes… it comes…

It moves… it jumps…

It talks only to himself;

Though with the loudest thuds,

It doesn’t get noticed…

Doesn’t create attention…

Lacks sensation;

A slumber in peace…

A thought in motion…

A mind in capture…

A heart in prison…….





Its a general one; nothing specific.. read the words, not my mind.. :P

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

crush.. infatuation.. juhiiiiiiii..alinaaaaaaaaaaa


who is she?? she is a "common" girl.. she was.. not anymore.. she is celebrity.. not till now.. might be in the making.. she is one of the twin sisters.. she is shy, cool, dusky, straight forward, stands for herself, has self pride.. sometimes shaky and doesn't know how to react.. she is learning.. she wants to learn... not a slow-and-steady-wins the race types.. if you can run fast then why to go slow.. she is thinking to run fast and might be tumbling at points.. granted.. this much for learning from your own mistakes and going gradually up..

and the most important point.. she is the 2nd celebrity (kind of.. ok.. lets say a-seen-on-TV girl) who made my heart to stop irregularly.. my eyes to stop moving in curiosity.. the remote to go somewhere hidden as it was not required till the time she was on screen.. and me watching the same show thrice daily (on some days... ) She is Alina.. Alina Wadiawalla..

first TV-crush cum infatuation cum loosing your senses cum slow motions of pahla nasha pahla khumar.. at the age of 12.. with Juhi.. the first time for me.. the second is now for Alina.. at 26.. peoplesay you learn as you grow.. but for me, its just like old fashion or history which repeats itself after sometime.. that was fun for months.. the timelag or the so called maturity doesnt let me to go to that stage.. this much for crossing an age and gaining some sensibilty, if there any in me..

Meanwhile.. i was thinking about three things..

1. recently another virgo, Ms Kareena Kapoor had her birthday.. she turned 28.. I think Amrita singh must have been around this age only when she got married to Saif... So when he was 23 something he loved a 28 something girl.. now he is 40+ and still loves 28 something girl.. hmmm.. does he love anyone or its just the age that he loves.. :P

2. just like archimedes, i also think most creatively when i take a bath.. and unlike him, i learn new things and innovation while i sleep..

i was taking a bath and i realised that most of the names of hindustani girls have a trend.. if their name starts with the letter 'A' then there is very very high probability that the name would end with the letter 'A' or 'I'.. like AlinA.. AsthA.. ApoorvA.. AartI.. AradhnA.. AnamikA.. AyushI.. ArushI.. etc.. exceptions.. Aeman.. Annu..(abhi suggested this one) this gave the thought to second thinking..

3. Why do girls have their last alphabet at a higher note.. 'I', 'A' or 'U' generally.. i think in older times, the girls must have been shouted regularly for hourework or in general also.. like.. arre Annuuuuuuuuuuuuu suno zara.. or any other thing.. in those times shouting a boy's name would have been thought very bad.. so their name is mostly with the ending letter in a lower tone.. you cannot shout those names..

BUT.. the time has come for equality so guys are also having names which can be shouted.. and i am torch bearer of the modern age... i am proud of myself for this... :-) Ashwiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiii :P

Thursday, September 18, 2008

words popping.. here and there.. as they want..

snapshots of my diary...

from someone to me..

22/06/2006

just chill khush raho dear. jai mata di

06/07/2006

Kamal ho tussi :-) :-) :-)

06/08/2006

My friendship is not like rain that pours & goes but its more like the air sometime keeps quiet but its always there around 'u'..

31/08/2006

Good m'ning. Have a nice stay :-)

02/09/2006

Nahi yaar still there.. 25 mins to go :)

03/09/2006

:).. Abhi 2328.. Good night and happy birthday again..

03/09/2006

A Birthday wish for real happiness :-) For today and all year through. Happy B'day dear. May MATA bless u always. jai mata di.

03/09/2006

Ok ji.. Finally we coordinate.. :P


start of 2007..

To write anything about life at IIMC in last two years frightens me from inside. It gives me enough discouragement to not to be brave to do any kind of justice to what had happened.. there are some things which i clearly donot want to write, discuss or let it be known by any stranger.. Was there any dream in mind to come here.. was it just another decision.. The decision was proper and more-or-less that is also achieved..


April 2007

Do we need to think about everything in life.. yes.. we do need to think about the things which matter but what about things which are never there.. which are only your assumptions and fear.. Is the word 'karma' is not that important that you start worrying about smaller issues.. And then, those smaller issues become so important that you forget the main thing..

End April 2007

I couldn't make it to his wedding.. wanted to go but i think that it was not on my cards..

23/07/2007

there are different equations being solved simultaneously but every equation thinks that it is the one which would decide the final solution.. Its the biggest myth of the life that we donot see the big picture..
----
Have to update myself.. have to update people as well.. Lot to do.. let the life be hectic.. I love to be in that state..

27/07/2007

There are people who want to be get attached with me, trying for long.. I am still not thinking in any of such directions.. And, some people still remind me of 8 year old stories... I just wonder most of the times, what she be doing just now..

28/07/2007

Another day starts with a similar bubble in the stomach.. This bubble is of inaction or of the fear of what is to be done next..
---
I donot really want help from anyone right now.. Till the time permits.. till the will power lasts.. till there is strength in me.. I would drive myself with self-respect and self-confidence.. I just want these from almightly, God..


07/08/2007

I really enjoy and Love talking to Princess.. Its a very happy feeling for me always..

Monday, September 15, 2008

Veronica decides to die!! n lives in shadow.. forever!!


the inferiority complex.. this is the new thing in me.. and when i think more about it, i get it even more.. daily.. continuosuly.. yesterday i wrote the diary and read a few old ones.. i wrote about constancy.. thats the killing experience.. moreover, if i would say that there is constancy in most of the things, others are not growing either.. except the depression.. loss.. lostlessness..darkness.. loneliness.. the black dark at the end of the road.. a road that gets blocked.. not like a tunnel where the end is brighter.. its an end.. a dead end. and i am getting closer to it every day.. now i dont bother about even lizards moving on me.. i dont need to care about it.. its like a flat tyre running on the road.. the only thing that it can produce is spark.. and it has to be stopped..eventually.. the worst feeling.. i feel that i cant be loved.. i am not to be loved.. i am too bad to be loved.. i dont deserve it either.. i am not designed for it.. now i do make so many mistakes while typing also.. i dont want to this also.. happy. gushy feelings.. nah.. God must have been something else while decorating the life of mine.. i dont blame to Her also.. why should i.. i dont want that also.. its like that the river had started with full force.. ramping on the falls.. cutting edges.. suddenly the plain has come.. and its stopped.. why suddenly.. then there is the end also.. and the river is about to meet its end very soon.. eventually..

i am watching a movie.. i dont want to watch that also.. its one of the hits of the year.. everyone loves it.. i am indifferent.. i dont want it either.. moreover i dont want to put this write up on the blog.. not this time.. nah!!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Why God Made Little Boys...




God made a world out of his dreams,



Of magic mountains, oceans and streams,



Prairies and plains and wooded land,



Then paused and thought,



"I need someone to stand,



On top of the mountains to conquer the seas,



Explore the plains and climb the trees,



Someone to start out small and grow,



Sturdy, strong like tree" and so...,



He created boys, full of spirit and fun,



To explore and conquer, to romp and run,



With dirty faces, banged up chins,



With courageous hearts and boyish grins,



When He had completed the task He'd begun,



He surely said,



That's a job Well Done...

Drive Safely...


Drive safely.. Its better said than done.. I did another mistake after approximately 6 months.. though this time the effect was not that much.. I didn't hit anyone.. but if I had hit, this would have been a big accident because of my over-speed.. and the logic for that speed was that I was not feeling well.. was a bit frustrated.. slightly angry.. this shouldn’t have been the case.. I should have taken proper care.. I shouldn’t have done it.. it’s a guilty feeling that I am going through with.. I lost temper.. for some 30 seconds.. and those seconds could have turned to become a big mistake.. have cool.. calm temper.. specially while you are on road..

When you know that people are not having sense of traffic.. when they see that some vehicle is coming.. even then they are very very slow on the road and stop at middle as well.. isn’t it their responsibility to have some sense while walking down the road.. I know that I should have my onus.. I should be at the best while driving or anything.. why to expect that the other person would act rationally.. the only thing that I can do is to be rational from my side itself.. this is a great learning for me for the day.. I should take the proper care while handling such small streets..

The day was very good yesterday.. it had many shades.. some light moments.. some talks.. some masti.. some gyan.. some chilling out time with some friends.. some discussions.. some events sharing.. some thoughts.. some time-pass.. some random bakwas of other people who are just playing politics within the locality.. some detective work.. some frustration of the after effect of it.. some messaging.. some calls.. and at the end of the day.. the same sleepless night.. this time it was completely sleepless.. spent the entire night just waiting for the morning.. but as usual it took those many hours that it normally takes.. and had to be up to bear the patience of waiting throughout.. thought to start internet again.. write something.. but before that I wanted to have some conversations with a couple of friends.. which I haven’t yet done.. there is priority list in those two people.. I am still not through with the first one..

The day has started with clouds.. the weather is better.. there is smell of paint as office is getting painted before the new batches start.. I am still escapist.. but I am doing something so that I won’t be escapist when the time would require me not to be.. the path from home to office is still the same.. the people on the road are slightly more coz of the weather.. my home is looking a colored canvass after the holi.. Its not looking bad but it should have been looking better, had I taken the right decision.. the roads are still showing the signs of Holika dahan.. some ashes.. some bricks.. some logs are still lying there..

~ A new day has come!!!


Monday, March 24, 2008

the mounts... and the beauty...


Surprisingly enough.. I am again here.. within the same day.. in some hours only.. I was reading a blog of one of the friends of my friend..

It was a complete story of the adventure that they had during their college days.. this reminded me of many trips that I had been through till now in my life.. those were just amazing just like he has mentioned and described in his blog.. one of the most recent ones is the one we had last year.. same days.. 3rd week of march.. just after the placements.. when we were totally chilled out.. not thinking about anything. Enjoying the craziest things in life.. having conversation which were not about anything.. evening cricket.. watching movies.. everyday, the dinner was out.. and we had common passion to live the last days of the campus life at our best..

Now its been a year almost and the memories are not seen on the faces of all of us.. we have moved to different lifestyles.. people are working and having endless work on the day time and most of them prefer saying good night as early as 11 in the night.. (oops!! We couldn’t never think of going to sleep at 11 in campus.. we could have thought to get up at this time and do all kind of night out kind of things to keep our souls satisfied that we didn't waste time in the night.. :-) ) the special effect while returning back was very frightening.. I could feel the grip of pranky’s hand on my leg which was showing his fear on those curvy paths of Sikkim in the completely foggy roads and the car running at an amazing speed of more than 70 kmph, just following the truck moving just ahead of us… the only thing that we could see was the rear lights of that truck and the distance was not even 3-4 meters.. everyone of us just seeing in front as if the TV is on in the night and lights are also off of the room.. we were just praying that we should reach safely to the end of the road.. Priyanka, for the first time, tied the seat belt.. on one of the corners, the car was very very close to jump off the road to the river at unknown deep height.. finally, after half an hour, we could see the fog getting clear.. we all had happy smile on our faces.. we could see the road now.. those paths were looking very normal now which were very scary in the normal circumstances.. and most importantly, we had complete confidence on the driver now.. he was now our hero.. an expert and a complete life saver for all of us..

Though this incidence might seem a scary one, I had been to two near death experiences in just two days of difference.. these two incidences were again in Sikkim only.. in my very first trip to the place, under the guidance of Malli mastan babu.. the first one was my mistake and the second one was the crazy decision of Malli..

I have been to Sikkim three times now and I enjoyed each and every bit of it.. the mountain ranges of Himalaya.. the paths.. the weather.. the ultimate greenery.. small falls.. big falls.. the cold water.. low air.. borders.. red plants.. the low density of population.. Monuments.. food.. the shopping areas.. the night picturesque scenes.. special walks.. special talks.. gift items.. there is so much of life in every bit of Sikkim that you want to live it.. be there..

I liked the trekking to Gomukh as well.. that trek was a courageous trek.. it was about sweat.. constant walk.. lesser picturesque moments.. but those were special.. really special.. the white mounts.. the brown mounts.. the green mounts.. all shades at one place.. the places where greenery is not visible that much.. but the sun light was so much that you wont be able to open your eyes properly.. an ultimate chilly night.. and so much headaches of all the people.. the scene of the glacier was amazing as well.. and the flow of Ganga at the tip of it was much bigger to imagine..

There was a feeling of conscience in uttaranchal.. while Sikkim makes you to be lost in the beauty.. the greenery of Sikkim makes your heart to melt at every place.. the mounts of Uttaranchal make you feel proud and grow big like those sky touching giants.. the vastness of Uttaranchal is the logical bend of mind.. Sikkim is the emotional touch of human beauty.. You can meditate in Uttaranchal but you cannot do anything other than to be in love for Sikkim..

~ its being happy.. being successful.. being proud.. being humble.. trying to be with life.. making life altogether.. the life is beautiful.. live it at every moment..

A useless creature i am!!!


Sometimes I feel that I am useless.. they are right.. I need a psychiatrist... Do I need to do things which I am doing.. why is it very important for me to give the structure to anybody’s life.. I am busy helping people for all their worldly and psychological problems.. I try to make them think.. but is it very important for people to think.. there are many people who are not thinking anything.. they are just going with the flow of the life and they are not even bothered to think about whether they are really happy or not.. they have never thought about this "thinking" phenomenon as well.. so... is it very important to think..

today I had gone to a village in the morning.. some 30 kms from kanpur.. I saw a bhains.. it was busy eating.. just standing on 4 legs.. without moving.. there was a very slow motion of the movement of its neck.. whether it was a deliberate attempt to move or not but it moved.. there was a rope on the neck.. on the face as well.. it was all its destiny.. I thought about myself to have such a rope around me.. me standing at one place.. having nothing to think about.. having no newspaper.. no site.. no one of my community all around me.. I am busy eating.. and then just relaxing.. and then there is no thinking about anything.. I am scolded.. I am taken to places without my consent.. I am asked to do all those things which I could never correlate with myself.. it could be a kind of exploration for the world.. an unknown world for me.. an expedition.. but what’s the end of this expedition.. just another bucket full of food.. and then.. nothing else.. I tried to look at its eyes.. it was red.. someone might have put some holi color on it.. but she couldn’t say anything.. nor had gone to wash it away.. nature has given everyone a tendency to remove anything bad for the eyes by the means of tears... it must have done the same thing.. it was not too eager to get the relief at then and there.. unlike we human being.. who want that these kinds of unnatural elements should be removed from the body as soon as possible.. suddenly there was some action.. something was itching at its face.. it moved the last leg and did some itching.. that was again a very slow movement.. what is the case with the mosquitoes.. those might be sitting at those places where it cannot do anything to remove them at all.. but is it bothered about anything.. doing all those things which are required for any living creature.. and that’s it.. except that.. nothing else.. what’s the importance of so many animals in the world.. they have different works for the balance of the nature.. it makes a place where you can see and admire the beauty of the world.. these animals are providing you something which you might be using somewhere in the daily routine.. but what’s the importance of all those for them... isn’t it the case that the world is created for human beings.. isn’t the case that we have got the art to utilize everything based upon own requirement.. at the end of the day, we don’t bother what the animals are getting.. except a bucket full of food.. some place to sit.. that’s it...

but are we supposed to take care of everything of theirs.. are we supposed to make them intellectually strong.. is it possible to do such things.. would they respond in the proper manner.. bottom line.. would there be any difference that we can make by anything other than what we are doing at present.. I am not sure completely but there are very very high chances that all this would be a fruitless exercise for them all in general..

coming back to the original theme.. people and their thinking.. can I correlate them with this kind of a bhains.. not exactly.. but people who are not thinking anything, those are not very different from these creatures.. as they are driven and ridden by the worldly forces to every place.. without knowing where they are heading.. with whom they are moving.. and they don’t need anything other than a bucket full of money to sit idle.. relax in the life as its going..

The same dilemma.. am I supposed to do all this thing.. Moreover, it isn’t a job I have chosen.. its something which I am good at.. and then I enjoy doing it.. people in the end don’t think about anything and it seemed that they didn't need the thinking which I was teaching them.. but the worst part is that they didn't realize it when they were in the learning phase… so what should I do?? It makes me feel that I am not fit for any relation.. Sometimes I feel that I am an idealist.. Perfectionist.. I am.. but I don't put all this on to people.. I want them to happy.. and I want them to think to be happy every time.. it’s a state which is made possible only by them.. not by anybody.. and for them its very important to constantly think about being happy…

~ Be happy!! Always.. :-)

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Comp.. ads.. soaps.. happiness..


I love this idiot box.. is it just because there is some possibility of some creativity.. or because there are more activities.. or because there is internet here.. and music.. and movies.. and most importantly there is choice of mine to decide on things.. the customization provided by the computer makes me more towards it as compared (finally the thing comes.. ) to TV..

but when I drive, I don’t prefer listening my own CD.. I prefer FM.. where there is no customization.. but actually, there is no room for customization while I am driving.. as the time spend inside the car is very small to involve myself for this customization and also there is no relax time to concentrate on the songs.. Moreover.. the talks in between the songs in FM make it more interesting than just listening to plain songs.. there are two aspects of liking those chit-chats in between the songs.. first, I like talking to people and understanding them.. and second, I like ads more as compared to the soaps or movies.. those are short, sweet, full of creativity and thus give more space to think beyond what is said within the commercial..

though I have said it many a times that I don’t like TV or I don't like having continuity in front of the TV.. I like a few serials.. I just noticed this.. normally, I like reality shows.. award functions.. action oriented channels.. some songs with FM kind of chatting.. and there are a few operas I like.. in recent era of long.. very long.. extremely long soaps.. the first one I liked was.. "kya hoga nimmo ka..".. I liked her sweet gestures.. the random events happening... there was always some surprise element in that.. and the innocence with which she was handling everything of her life.. in the most chaotic way.. I also liked when she used to talk to God.. for small.. very small things.. it was all cute.. :-)

the second one was.. "ek chabhi hai pados mein.." it has some kind of different lineup for the story.. there is some community of a locality.. and people within that locality are living like a big home.. there are people.. many people.. I love to be with people.. I love community/team type environment.. I like sharing part of the soap... and I like the girl in the serial.. she is again.. sweet.. innocent.. slightly arrogant.. but that too with a lovely sense of accepting the mistakes.. the chemistry between the girl and the guy is portrayed very well.. it gives a soothing sense and I can easily be lost in the serial..

the third one is the most recent one.. and I just watched it.. out of these three serials, this is the one which I wait for.. I was used to search Nimmo but didn't wait for it.. this is "radha ki betiyan kuchh kar dikhayengee..".. I like the family in the serial.. the love that all the people within the family share is really great.. it gives a happy feeling.. very happy.. there are different personalities of the three girls.. they are serious.. they are giggling.. they are focused but confused.. and their mother is good for everyone.. there are many hidden stories which are unfolding right now.. which are again projecting that people are sweet, actually.. this gives a sense that people in the world are not bad.. in general.. there are circumstances which might corrupt them for sometime.. but their core values are not normally bad.. when I get up after watching it.. I get a broad smile.. very big and my heart becomes very happy..

I don’t know this is the reality or just the coincidence.. all three serials are feminist.. mainly, these are the serials which deal with people.. softer aspects of the personality.. are emotional.. are not projecting any kind of ulterior motives.. are projecting love for family.. have all shades of moods of the people... still maintaining the respect and love for the people around.. have family bonding and a complete sense of happiness all around..

~be happy.. and have more core values so as to have better bonding with people around you.. love the world as it’s very lovely.. :-)